Quick Post

Right now I should be fixing my essay. But I feel like I need to blow off some steam first. So I texted Jess just a minute ago, and we're having a pleasant, normal conversation. It's really awkward, though. It's kind of like talking to a person you were once really good friends with, but lost track of over the years, and are starting to reconnect with. She has her eye on a boy at college, apparently. Hearing her tell me this hurts. I suppose I've got to get used to it, though. I feel like this breakup has made us both straight-er, somehow. Like, I never ever ever thought that I would ever be interested in a boy in any way at all, but now with S, there might be something there, though I have no fucking idea what it is. But you know those people that say that most lesbians exist because they had shitty luck with guys and just gave up? Now I feel like because we had bad luck with girls, we're open to trying guys. I don't know, my life just seems to get stranger by the minute.

God, if you had told me just two years ago, (when I was just beginning to finally figure myself out) that all this would have happened by the time I was a sophomore, I never would have believed it. Since high school started, my whole life got turned on it's end. I made the best friends I'd ever had, kind of sort of lost them in a short move, got a girlfriend, got (basically) engaged, devoted my entire life to someone, screwed my whole life up (not entirely my fault, but partly), lost it all to my father, went to hell camp, ended up in boarding school, lost my girlfriend, made new, crazy friends, got drunk for the first time, kissed a boy for the first time, and got involved (kinda) in some sort of crazy love octagon that consumes this campus, and now I'm as lost as I was before this all started. I'm still almost at a loss as to how all this could even have happened. Sometimes I feel like one day I'll wake up and realize that everything was a dream. But then again, my whole life has been this way. It's been one crazy move, one crazy city, one crazy adventure after another. And I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. As I just told Jess, I've decided to just live in the moment. I've stopped trying to figure out what the future will hold for me. I'll live in the now, and come what may, I'll just go with the flow. Because really, living in the future is no way to live. Taking everything one day at a time is what will keep me going until I can figure out what the hell my life is all about these days.

Alright, essay time. Talk to you soon! Love, Me.