Okay. Go time!

So, while completing my "changes", I discovered that my blog only really became objectionable during high school. Saying that, I didn't go very far back into middle school, but from what I can tell, stress made my language worse, and my self preservation a little bit lacking. But anyway, I have a bit of a rant here because I'm an angsty teen. Have fun!

Okay, so I def totes still like this person from school, and I certainly have no idea how she feels about me at all, but I’m kind of stalking her a little bit (okay, maybe a lot) online, and sometimes it creeps me out when she talks about sex. I mean, I was ridiculously naïve and shy about sex before Jess (and I still kind of am, but not as much), mostly because I was conditioned by my family to be so. I guess I just expect people who have never been in a relationship or had sex to never talk about it or know about it or think about it, because before I was in a relationship/had sex, I barely ever thought about it, except with perhaps fear or nervousness. I had an interest in it, but not an immediate one, and certainly not one I would talk about. Perhaps it could be also that I’m gay, and that that was also a foreign concept to me due to my upbringing, but I don’t know. I find out that middle schoolers are making out, and that honestly freaks me out, because when I was in middle school, I was still discovering who I was, and I was absolutely not interested at all in sex or kissing or anything like that. But Jess told me that while I was researching being gay and trying to figure it all out, she was watching porn and researching sex. I suppose it’s nature and nurture in my case, when it comes to being so private about sexual matters, but because of that, it also makes me jealous when this person talks about sex, because I would never say anything sexual about a person unless I was already in a relationship with them, and we were discussing our current/future sex life. I honestly can’t imagine another circumstance where I would reference having sex in a detailed fashion, or with someone who I had never/would never have sex with. I know I’m not even supposed to be jealous of her, but I still like her. And that’s hard for me because I’m still rather inexperienced in the game of love, though slightly more than she is, however, because of her upbringing (and possibly her bisexuality), she seems to be more sexually open and comfortable. Then again, Jess was rather explicitly experienced, and she was raised in an emotionally abusive, painful and repressive household. But anyway, I really don’t know how this person feels about me, and though I would really, really, really still like to be with her, I don’t know if she’s ready for a relationship now (doubtful), or, even if she is, if she would choose me for a partner. She said that she loved me, and her free use of the word prompted me to use it more freely as well, but coming from her that doesn’t necessarily mean what it does when it would come from me. I don’t love her the way I loved Jess, but I don’t love Jess anymore, and I certainly could grow to love this person in the way that I loved Jess, or even more, and in a less destructive fashion, perhaps. I wish she were easier to read, because then maybe I would be able to decipher her feelings, but I have no idea what she’s thinking or feeling, which I’m sure is just the way she wants it, though it makes it very difficult for me, because I’m so transparent. I’m rather venerable, because I’m so easy to read and because I like her so much, and that gives her the upper hand. And I honestly don’t know if she would rather I be more assertive, more elusive, or whatever else there is I could be. And I know that I shouldn’t be so willing to change for her, and really I don’t think that she wants me to- she’d said she’d liked me for quite some time, before I started being all relationshippy. It’s just that, when I’m in a relationship, I try to change to be more what I feel like that person would want. I don’t know how to keep just being me when girls are making me so nervous. And I desperately wanted to be able to be affectionate with her in public. She’s completely right when she says that I wanted more than just makeouts. I wish that I could say truthfully that that’s all I wanted, but I didn’t. I wanted a relationship. My mind twists things around all the time, so that sometimes I don’t even know how I feel. It plays unfair tricks on me. So I guess that I could say she and I are in the same boat- we both don’t know what we want or how we feel. I just wonder if she still likes me.

Alright. Done. I wish I could go to sleep now, because I have a rather painful headache, but I seriously messed up my sleeping schedule, so I'm not tired. Maybe I'll go take some pain meds. Anyway, I hope I can keep this blog up during school. If not, I'll be around for a few more weeks before I'm gone again. I think everything will work out, though. I have a good feeling about this year. :) See you later. Love, me.