Silliness Again

Somehow, I always do this to myself. How is it that when I fall for someone, I can only fall my hardest? There’s no skip-tripping, scraping my knees for me. Just a full fledged tumble down the stairs, breaking every bone along the way. I somehow convinced myself that I liked her way less than I know now that I actually do. I tried to talk myself out of liking her for so long, but this terrible, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is telling me the real truth. I don’t know if I love her, because now I don’t even know what love is, though once upon a time I thought I knew just exactly what it was. In any case, though, I do like her. A lot. Much more than I wish I did. Now, because I read something obviously not for my eyes, I feel absolutely crushed. It’s different than Jess, because this time we weren’t even together. But for some reason, I held on to the hope that she would want to be with me again someday. I had plans, which I know, and I knew, I should never do, plan a future with a person, because everything is unsure, but I’m stupid and I did it anyway. But how do I go on knowing what I know, and not talking about it, not acknowledging its existence? She talks about wanting someone to love her for her, and most unfortunately, I do. I don’t know how I get myself into these situations. Why do I have to love so deeply? It’s as if crushes don’t exist inside my subconscious. Because even when I think, “Oh, it’s just a crush, you’ll be over it soon,” my heart tells me no. No, you won’t. I’m sure I sound angsty and stupid, like every other teenager with an unrequited crush, and maybe I am. Everyone’s experience feels individual to themselves. But even if I am the same as all the rest, I still feel absolutely horrid. I don’t know what to do about anything regarding love, it seems. I do everything wrong, and I don’t know how to get it right.

Anyway, it’s rather late. I’ve got to get up early to do the homework that my pounding headache is preventing me from doing now. Wish me luck in love, I suppose. God grant me strength. Amen.

Love, Me.