Two posts in one night? Who am I?!

Ooookay, so this is probably overkill, but I just want to rant a little bit more:

I was reading over stuff from last year, and what the HECK? Who was I? I guess I was just so confused and messed up after everything with Jess that I totally lost my mind. Which I guess is understandable. But I certainly didn't do much better the second time with the girl from school. Neither of us should have been in a relationship, and I made it a lot harder for her when it ended. I didn't know that I was being cruel, but I was. There are so many things that I've done that I wish I could just erase. I know that I can't, and that I have to be strong and brave enough to face the consequences, but it is really damn scary. I'm sort of terrified of going back to school now. (I was suspended for a whole dang month! Sorry, I forgot to tell you. It makes me tired to tell the story though, so maybe later, maybe not. Suffice to say I was stupid and naive and a bit too trusting.) I'm afraid of everyone- my classmates, my teachers, my friends. I've discovered that everyone has the power to hurt you, and they can do it on purpose and they can do it on accident, but the point is that they can do it. So now I feel as if I can't trust anyone, and that makes me feel really really lonely. I'm so, so ready to get out that I wish I could skip senior year all together and go to college like Mom did. But it's too late to apply. I almost want to drop out and get my GED and go to Goucher, though. I've got the scores already. I feel like I used to have all this confidence, but I was knocked off my feet and I don't know how to get back up again. I know I'm going to be invisible senior year, purposefully. I'll run the GSA and be on yearbook and be in the play, but I'm going to drop off the face of the Earth because I'm afraid. I don't see another way out of all this. That's the only way to go. My friends will notice at first, but eventually they'll forget how I used to be. They won't remember how I used to be so lively. I know I sound depressed, but I'm not. I'm just trying to survive. I'm ready to get out of here and go to college. I can't wait for that day to come. Until then, I'm content to be invisible. It's better this way. I'm going to focus on me for the rest of High School. I'll be happy because of me, not because of anyone else. And that's the way it's supposed to be, anyway.