What's Sweet, Fun, Cheers You Up and Understands You? It's Something Most People Have, and It's Something I Need:

Give up?

A friend.

I have Squall, but sometimes she's so wrapped up in her own world, she doesn't usually have much time for yours. I used to have friends that filled this gap in my friend oriented emotional neediness. But either I've drifted from them, or I just kind of skip out on them because I feel that they don't know the real me. That's my fault. I know. I thought Squall was all I really needed, that I would find someone eventually to vent to, and until then, I could blog, write, or just hold it in. But now I realize what they mean when they say that when you bottle emotions up, they'll eventually backfire on you. That happened tonight. I almost walked to Squall's house, but then I realized how late it was, and so I just sat in my driveway and cried. I came in, waking Mom up, and we "talked", which they say is supposed to help, but I think I feel worse. I feel numb.

I want this college thing so bad. I want it more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. I'm reaching for it. But I don't seem to be getting any closer. If anything, I'm drifting farther and farther away.

She's snoring now.

I know no one really cares. It took me so long to realize this, but everyone cares more for themselves then they do other people. Squall says that's a good thing. "Look out for number one, that's you." She says. I know that she got that from an erotic novel called Club Fantasy, though, so I don't know how that ranks on credibility. I don't have the ability to care for myself more than others. That sounds very May (The Secret Life Of Bees) of me, I know, but I can't seem to put myself first. I think others are more important then me. Am I wrong to put others first?

If someone, anyone out there cares, I'd sure love to know about it. Even if I don't know who you are, or if you've randomly stumbled across this blog in passing, even if you're lying, I'd love to know if you care. - melodramatic me